We get visitors that would only be happy if Gran Canaria was exactly like their home town, but sunny. Others expect it to be the Masai Mara, the Taj Majal and the Seychelles all thrown into one.

Among the best tourist complaints that we overheard are two British girls complaining that that there were no zebras on their jeep safari, a German nudist moaning that the sand had burned his privates, and an Italian muttering that that there were too many fish in the sea.

These are the five most common tourist complaints in Gran Canaria:

There’s a cockroach in my room

There are cockroaches in Gran Canaria and all other hot places. We don’t have many and they rarely come in gangs. What we don’t get are sharks, giant flying beetles, big hairy spiders, huge moths, and swarms of killer bees.

We suggest that you whack your cockroach with a flip-flop or a rolled up newspaper. If you find more than a couple in your room, then complain to the reception.

The odd roach is the price you pay for an average of over eight hours of sunshine per day.

If you can’t face even a single roach, then we have heard that Greenland is lovely in July. The beaches are covered in polar bear pooh but they are completely bug free!

Nobody Speaks English

That’s because you’re in Spain dear. Any it’s not true anyway. Most Canarians who work in the resorts speak some English (and German and some Norwegian).

If you find yourself in a situation where nobody understands you, don’t shout at the locals. It doesn’t help and they will just go home and laugh about you. Try asking this instead: ¿alguien  habla inglés por aquí?.

Even better, learn a few words of the local lingo before you come. If you know your “gracias” from your elbow you’ll get much better service and maybe even a few free drinks.

The local drivers are crazy

There are a few local rules that you need to know before pulling out into traffic in your shiny new rental.

The locals drive fast in the hills because crazy, windy roads are the norm. It’s polite to pull over and let the queue of cars behind you go past, especially if they are beeping and waving their arms.

On the motorway the speed limit is 120 Km per hour but some cars go faster in the left hand lane. Stick to the right hand lane, which is full of cautious drivers pootling along at 80 Km per hour.

Roundabouts are tricky in Gran Canaria as most driving instructors qualified before they existed. It’s best to avoid the inside lane completely as it is hard to get off it again. Also, many locals don’t indicate before they leave a roundabout so watch out as you join.

There’s no WiFi

This is a legitimate complaint. If you are staying in a hotel or complex that doesn’t have WiFi please moan about it six times per day. There is no excuse for any accommodation not to offer free WiFi somewhere.

If you are charged for poor quality WiFi, demand your money back and moan some more. We believe that quality, free WiFi is an essential service that every visitor to the island should have access to.

It’s So Hot

Sometimes, it does get hot in Gran Canaria, particularly during July and August. While the average midday temperature in the summer is about 30 degrees Celsius, it can get up to 40 degrees. Gran Canaria and the Canary Islands are part of Africa and close to the Sahara Desert. When hot air blows our way there isn’t much anyone can do about it.

If it's hot during your stay drink plenty of water, use a hat and sunscreen and don’t sunbathe or exercise around midday. The best place to be in temperatures above 30 degrees is up to your neck in water.

Do you have any complaints about Gran Canaria? Or have you overheard a ridiculous complaint? Either way we want to hear about it. Leave a comment, or let us know on the Facebook page.